I never imagined parenting would look like this. When I thought about raising children, I pictured the usual chaos—packed lunches, playdates, bedtime stories, the occasional tantrum. What I didn’t picture was the daily battle to get shoes on, the fear in my child’s eyes when I said the word “school,” or the way a simple request could send us both spiralling.
That’s the reality of living with PDA—Pathological Demand Avoidance or what some refer to as Pervasive Demand for Autonomy
The Early Days: Confusion and Exhaustion
At first, I thought I was doing something wrong. My child seemed to resist everything—getting dressed, brushing teeth, going to school. The harder I tried to enforce rules, the worse things got. Strategies that worked for other families—reward charts, consequences, firm boundaries—only ended in tears (theirs and mine).
Friends and even professionals told me: “You just need to be stricter. Be consistent. Don’t give in.” But the more I pushed, the more my child pushed back. It wasn’t stubbornness. It was panic. And I felt completely lost.
The Turning Point
When I first heard the words Pathological Demand Avoidance, it was like someone switched on the light in a dark room. Finally, there was an explanation. My child wasn’t being “difficult”—they were overwhelmed. Their refusals weren’t about control; they were about survival.
But naming it didn’t magically make things easier. In some ways, it made things harder—because I had to unlearn everything I thought I knew about parenting.
A Whole New Way of Parenting
I had to stop seeing myself as “the one in charge” and start seeing myself as a partner, a guide, a safe place. That meant:
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Choosing collaboration over commands. Instead of, “Put your shoes on,” I’d say, “Which shoes do you feel like today—red or blue?”
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Finding humour in hard moments. Suddenly brushing teeth became a “dragon breath mission” or a race against the timer.
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Letting go of perfection. Some days we don’t make it to school. Some days we eat cereal for dinner. And that’s okay.
It’s not easy. There are mornings when I sit in the car with my child refusing to get out, and my heart sinks. But I’ve learned not to see those moments as failures—they’re just part of our journey.
What I’ve Learned
The biggest lesson PDA has taught me is that parenting isn’t about control—it’s about connection. My child doesn’t need me to be the strict parent who always “wins the battle.” They need me to be the safe anchor when the world feels too demanding.
Yes, our life looks different. We don’t fit into the neat little boxes other families do. But we laugh a lot. We celebrate tiny victories. And I’ve discovered a depth of patience, creativity, and love I never knew I had.
PDA turned my idea of parenting upside down. But it also taught me that sometimes, the most important thing isn’t raising a child who does everything “right”—it’s raising a child who feels understood, accepted, and loved exactly as they are.